Grief is a terrible terrible thing

When my dad died last September. Yes you can’t say “passed away” or “left us” or “departed.” You have to say “die.” The first lesson about grief is realizing the harshness of it. It’s not something you get over by using words that are easier on the ears. Saying “passed away” won’t make my father’s death any less final. Grief is just a harsh reality that you need to embrace with your heart and mind. You just need to yield and surrender your all.

It will take over your life, but the quicker you let it in, the quicker you will adapt and just learn to live with it until it became a scar that is part of you, but not one that dominates you.

I’m definitely not there yet. I tried to resist. I thought: “People die, “hard fact,” I need to get used to it. I need to be stronger for all those “weaker” souls who aren’t as strong as I am. Boy was I wrong.

I’ve always been been proud of my ability to control my emotions and never understood why it was so hard for others. Now I understand. I have become a ticking time bomb prone to explosion at any given moment.

At first this idea terrified me, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. When grief it hits you, there is absolutely nothing you could do. Now it’s time to let go. The time to admit there’s a problem. The time to say words like “died,” “مات” and that’s it’s hard.

A month after he died, I forced myself into a state of denial. I tried to ground my denial in faith and optimism. It didn’t work. It’s time to just let things be and stop forcing it. (link to FB note)

My advice to you if you are afflicted with the loss of someone you care for is let grief consume you and embrace it because otherwise, you are forced to deal with an infected hole in your heart that requires intervention rather than a hole that would have simply healed with time.

Quick Reality Check on the Average Egyptian Woman

I am by NO means the “average” Egyptian woman. I have had a privileged “liberal” upbringing, an understanding family, and an unhealthy bubble of similarly minded women that kept me sane.

Yet, in many other ways I AM the average Egyptian woman. I am terrified of walking the streets of Cairo without an adequate male “guardian”. People care more about the length of my skirt, my marital status and the time I get home than they do about my education, interests or skills. I feel judged and scrutinized over my every word, action or look.

And, I have lost all hope for an Egypt where women can walk the streets without fear.

Fact: An estimated 83% of Egyptian women report to have been exposed to some form of sexual harassment. Be it verbal, molestation,  groping, or assault. -Personally, I find that number too low.

Fact: This year we saw female protesters grossly violated and humiliated such as the infamous girl with the blue bra and the courageous Samira Ibrahim who has been named one of Time’s 100 most influential people for going public with the “virginity test” the Egyptian military put her through.

Sameera Ibrahim, Egyptian “virginity test” victim

Fact: The Virginity test army doctor accused by Sameera Ibrahim was acquitted March of this year. Also, No case has been bought against the criminals who attacked the girl with the blue bra.

-FYI, these atrocities and what they represent are not even considered “real issues” by the Egyptian public.

Fact: This year alone, International media was rocked with the sexual assault testimonials of three female journalists.  Mona El Tahawy was assaulted by riot police – Central Security Forces – at Mohamed Mahmoud St while, Laura Logan, and Natasha Smith who were sexually assaulted by the masses in Tahrir square during the momentous celebrations of Mubarak stepping down, and Morsy’s presdiential win.

Mona ElTahawy with 2 broken arms after being assaulted in Cairo

Fact: Not a single candidate running for office post or pre revolution made sexual harrassment an issue nor made it part of his/her campaign program.

Fact: Mrs. Kamilya Helmy, the head of the “International Islamic committee for women and children” claims the constitutional language of “equality despite gender, religion or race” is destructive western language intended to destroy Egyptian family values and advance gay rights. Her Arabic article can be found on the Muslim Brotherhood’s website here. – I’ll try to translate it in full later.

Fact: Egypt’s newest first lady, Mrs. Naglaa Mahmoud most likely does represent the average woman.

From this  NYT article, we learn that she prefers to be called “Um Ahmed” or “Mother of Ahmed.” She never went to college and got married at 17. The article also followed Um Ahmed’s career. She was “a homemaker,” then she translated sermons for women who were considering converting to Islam in the US. After she returned to Egypt, she taught “young girls about marriage” via one of the Brotherhood’s female divisions. The NYTimes quoted the curriculum saying “Men are designed to lead and women to follow.”

Egypt’s First Lady: Naglaa Mahmoud

Another sad fact. Instead of asking the first lady her stance about women’s issues such as  sexual harassment, Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) or honor killings, they asked how she plans to “greet” foreign dignataries and criticized her attire.

I hate being one of those pessimistic people who listed problems without offering any solutions, but I really genuinely don’t know how to fix this. Ideas, anyone?

 

“Smell No Taste”

“Smell No Taste” is the name of a famous Liberian village located between Roberts Intl. Airport and the infamous “Firestone” plantation. The village got its name because its residents were used to smelling the food and riches coming from Firestone, yet they never got to taste it.

Smell No Taste, Liberia

It’s sad to say most Liberians feel the same way about the “expat development world.” There are hundreds of NGOs in Liberia yet the locals remain cynical about the true motivations of all these “expats” having learned their lesson from the days of the “Firestone Republic.”

Last week I had a meeting with the team working on Liberia’s World Trade Organization (WTO) membership proposal. The team had just recieved their second sponsorship rejection from an International Ogranization. The rejection email included a recommendation that the Liberian government hire an “international consultant” to help with the proposal. This is how my Liberian coworker reacted “All these people want is to look for jobs for their friends. They just want us to train them and teach them then they go make a ton of money.”

This is a very serious accusation. It just goes to show you that Liberians today still believe they’re being dealt the “Smell, no taste” hand. Today Forbes published ”World Bank Mired In Dysfunction: Mess Awaits New Head” about the dysfunction and corruption of the World Bank. These problem could  be generalized to most large International Organizations who lack objective supervision. This article couldn’t be more timely.

Something needs to change.

"Please God. Please make it stop."

Reblogged from natasha smith:

I have been forced to leave Cairo prematurely following a horrific sexual and physical attack in Tahrir Square.

The atmosphere was one of jubilation, excitement, and happiness as I walked, accompanied by two male companions for safety along Kasr El Nil bridge. I had had an awful day, caused by problems in personal relationships, so I was so happy to be in such a wonderful environment, getting such amazing footage.

Read more… 2,142 more words

Follow up to "The Plague of Sexual Harassment in Egypt" post. The sad thing is only the educated and the foreign dare speak openly about this. So, while you read, think of all those girls who go through this everyday, yet wouldn't even dare tell their own families.

MOCI, Three weeks In

Work Update 

I started “week 2″ by moving to the MSME (Micros, Small and Medium Enterprises) Division to sit in a big office with eight other people. It felt good to be part of a team. I met with the amazing division director Mrs. Edwina who asked me to help with the following projects :

• Finding a sponsor for the second season of “The Business Show,” which is a radio show intended to educate and inspire future Liberian entrepreneurs and small business owners.- Most of which are Liberian women in rural areas.
• Develop a project plan and implementation framework for mobile business registration for small businesses in rural areas. Currently there are only three business registries in Liberia which are located in Monrovia, Buchanan and Ganta.

Towards the end of the week, I got a messenger from the Minister inviting me to her office. It was a humbling moment. The Minister is an inspiring modest woman. She is trying to slowly yet steadily fix a broken organization from the top down with an air of quiet optimism. We discussed her priorites and where she believes I’ll be able to add the most value then I was moved to a new office right next door.

So, now I am working with the Research and Planning Division to help create a monitoring and evaluation framework in addition to my work with MSME.

So much work, so little time, yet I’m also trying to think of solutions to the “real problem” at the Ministry. If you’re curious what happened in week 1, click here.

Yellow Work Assignment Sheet

The Real Problem

I remember being upset that the Ministry was not very responsive to my emails before I got here. Now I know why.

Most communication here takes place by “messenger,” and by messenger I mean an actual person who goes between offices to deliver these “yellow work assignment sheets.”

There is a very real capacity problem in Liberia and by capacity, I mean the actual skills of the available work-force. All recommended solutions include high level concepts such as automation when the average worker has problems writing a grammatically correct sentence.

I spend several hours a day helping people write their reports/memos and work products and now, I am working on developing trainings for workers and budget templates for divisions.  It just  makes you think where would money be better spent? Low level trainings or high level consultants?

To truly develop Liberia, we need to develop its workforce. Coming here and doing the work for them and then leaving them to figure it out is naïve. I guess this is becoming a theme, development without maintenance is a disaster waiting to happen.

Spotlight on My Liberian Office Mates

I have come to love my Liberian co-workers, office mates and colleagues. It’s such a refreshing change from my current “Expat Bubble,” which I simply love to hate. I have come to learn Liberians are very friendly, generous, musical, life-loving and anything, BUT politically correct. Here are some of my anec-dotal moments at the Ministry of Commerce and Industry:

Only in Liberia

Day 2: I am working in the conference room I share with the assistant deputy minister when a random person walks in with a big suitcase. He greets the assistant deputy Minister then sits down, opens his bag and hands the assistant deputy three suit jackets to try on right there in the middle of the office. We decided two of them were too tight and one had overly short sleeves. ( I wish I had a picture, but oh well maybe next time)

Love Me Some Political Incorrectness

I moved to a new desk to share an office with eight other employees. One woman and seven men. The conversation goes as follows:

coworker1 across room “are you married? coworker2 across room: “why, are you thinking of proposing” coworker1: “maybe, we’ll see” Me intterupting :”no, not married”

Having a casual conversation while sitting at our desks

coworker1:”are you Christian? Me: “no” coworker2 :”so you can’t marry her after all” coworker1: “Stay out of it, I know she’s Muslim” then to me ” You know 30% of Liberia is Muslim. Do you practice? Do you drink?”

Generosity is Addictive

Comfort who is a research assistant at the Ministry insisted on buying me lunch my first two days at the Ministry and shared everything on her desk with me and called to check on me the one day I was sick.

The assitant minister insisted on taking me out to lunch at “Evelyn’s” the lunch hotspot for Ministry employees and called me over the weekend to make sure I wasn’t stuck bored at home.

Goat Soup and “Fried Eggplant” which also contained meat, chicken and fried fish

Almost every new Liberian I’ve met has offered to help show me around, take me to their gym, take me to the beach, and buy me lunch or coffee. I can definitely get used to this.

The Meeting and The Match

Last week we had a general Ministry administration meeting where representatives from all divisions gathered with the deputy minister of administration to discuss issues, plans and next year’s budget. Fifteen minutes into the meeting the conversation changed to the upcoming inter-ministerial tournament and the practice times and schedule for the Ministry of Commerce matches. We discussed the matches and their logistics for a full hour then ended the meeting.

Today the assistant to the Minister came to my office and handed me my own “MOCI” cheering T-shirt for tomorrow’s game where everyone will leave in Ministry buses at 2 pm to watch the game at the stadium at 4. Here’s a picture of my T-shirt! I’ll try to follow with pictures from the match.

Development without Maintenance is a Disaster Waiting to Happen…

Last Week I went on a tour of the “new” Liberia Standards Lab. I went with the new Deputy Ministry of Administration to meet the technical team and discuss their budget needs for the next fiscal year. This lab was built to monitor the quality standards of goods flowing in and out of Liberia.

This facility was sponsored by several International Organizations and cost several million dollars to build. The Standards Lab officially opened for business last year. Here are some pictures of the Standards Lab last week (less than a year after its grande opening.)

In my limited experience in development, I have seen the same story over and over again. The development world seems to be full of expensive equipment yet no warranties or manuals, medical supplies yet no proper storage, brand new facilities without quality checks and high level consulting recommendations without the capacity to implement them.

Something needs to change.